The Fear of the Over Protective Mother

Well, I have a fear issue or I guess I should say, HAD a fear issue because I believe I have somewhat overcome it. My sweet little family was on a sweet little vacation to Wrightsville Beach this past week. I say sweet and little because Wrightsville Beach is only 5 miles from our house, but we were still "away" which was great...no laundry, no ringing house phone, no more school, at least for a little while. Anyway, I had that giddiness that comes just before a long awaited vacation...good quality time with my family with no agenda was ahead of me and I had nothing to fear...so I thought.

Well...on the second day of our vacation, my calm, quiet, oh so relaxed spirit was jolted from its happy little comfortable place when Bobby turned to Sydney and made some mention of her trying to water ski. I thought, "Hmm...That's a really nice daddy thought but I doubt it will actually happen, so let me just keep quiet. Besides we presently don't have ANY kid skis AND, oh darn, we forgot our "good ski rope" at home which is SO far away now." That day came and went with no skiing and I remained in my happy little FEARLESS place...until the next day.

Daddy started off strong on this day which didn't sit well with my morning cup of coffee that was going down oh so slowly. We were all still in our pajamas when he once again made mention of going to the "water ski store" to get some water skis that would fit Sydney. Again, fear, which isn't what I was wanting to experience on vacation, entered my sleepy little head. Sydney seemed up for it...she was on board with the whole idea, but I sat there on the couch wondering if I was the only one who had the sense to know that maybe we were pushing it and water skiing was NOT a good idea since there were only 3 of us. I even glanced out the window looking for some support from the weatherman...oh yes, I definitely see dark clouds on the horizon. Surely today is more of a movie day than a water ski day, so I'll just politely nod and enjoy the rest of my coffee...AND security. I soon swallowed my pride as we all piled into the car to go to the water ski store. Maybe I'll feel better if I look at the kid ski options.

I was actually impressed with the store and was feeling better as I looked at the options and very motherly contemplated which choice was best for our Sydney. Let's face it, a little control makes all of us feel better because we lose some of the fear when we have a choice. We're all really good at trusting...OURSELVES.

After looking them over, I knew exactly the one that I wanted us to purchase. I say one because it was actually one big piece. It was the perfect trainer ski board which my husband immediately and abruptly vetoed. He had the kid skis (2 that were fastened together) in his hand and was already headed to the register. I wanted to fight him on this one, but I have learned. It is better to rest in a place that trusts HIM to make some of these big decisions. So, I did what did not come naturally...trust him.

We finally got out on the water and let's just say that the first day was a little awkward for all of us...we were trying to get Sydney started off of the beach when some super experienced water skiing mother with at least 6 kids came over to give Bobby her ski advice. I laughed on the inside watching their whole conversation play out. He wasn't at a place where he could accept any suggestions from anyone if you know what I mean. That day ended with a few tears from Sydney who was now beginning to change her mind about skiing which really was okay with me.

Well, the next day, Bobby insisted that we try again but he had a plan that once again came out of nowhere and with no conferencing with me. He just confidently looked at me and said, "Do you want to get in the water with her or drive the boat?" Now I really didn't want to have a fight on our vacation, but I was beginning to feel a good one coming on...the truth was, I didn't want to do either job! I REALLY just wanted to go to the beach and build a sandcastle and stare at the ocean, but NOT get in it.

And then I realized what this awful thing called fear was doing to me...I don't want her to ski...she might get hurt, I don't want to drive the boat...I might hit something or go too fast, I don't want to get in the water and try to swim and hold our child...I'm not that strong of a swimmer. I was beginning to see that my fear was going to hold us all back if I let it and I hated that. I didn't want to be THAT mom or THAT wife for that matter. "I'll take the water," I finally replied letting out a deep breath. So, I geared up with a life jacket and my new very cool hot pink fins and jumped overboard coaxing Sydney to jump to me which she quickly did. We got her skis on in the water...I got her set so that the ski rope was right between the two skis and then held them straight while she and I waited for Bobby to push down on the throttle.

For the rest of my life, I'll never forget the feeling...the closeness of holding my sweet seven year old in front of me in the water and the inner joy that came with watching her tiny little muscular legs finally stand up on the skis and go! It was like she slid right out of my finger tips and all I could see was the back of her ice blue life jacket moving through the water as I raised my hands and head to the sky and screamed, "WHOOOOO-HOOOO!!!" Some teenagers who were watching on a nearby dock screamed and cheered for her as she cruised past them and the scene, even from my angle in the water bouncing all around, was something to behold.

I later told Bobby that of the two of us (he and I), I actually had the best seat. He agreed that it was probably pretty cool to be holding her and then see her go. And to think that I would have missed the moment...the memory... and the shear joy that came with watching her ski all because of FEAR. I know we're not meant to live this way...I know with it, we're not REALLY living at all. So I'm saying goodbye to fear for a while which sort of excites me because it means that there are more memories like this one ahead of us! And if I fear anything, it will be that I might miss them.

***On a side note, I will always be CAUTIOUS and so later in the afternoon when the teenage boys came out onto the waterway and were flying past us, we were back on the boat and headed to the dock.

Snapshots

"Teach Me to Number My Days!"

Well, I've wanted to start an online scrapbook or blog for some time now. I have friends and family members who do this and I've always been somewhat envious of the fact that they've got their memories, or even just their thoughts, stored online. I know that realistically a journal takes time, but it's worth it...especially if it helps me to appreciate the moments in this life which in my "busyness" can sometimes slip away from me.

God tells us to do this, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." I even love how The Message puts it, "Oh! Teach us to live well! Teach us to live wisely and well!" I love the exclamation points and the enthusiasm that is added...and each day I'm becoming more and more aware of how to appreciate, love, enjoy, cherish and fully live this life.

Since I was a little lazy with the whole blogging thing early on, I am backtracking a little bit and going back to Sydney's first day of first grade. That's right...this year the Class of 2022 started first grade. For most moms this is a bittersweet day, but for our family it seems like the excitement just keeps away the tears. Sydney LOVES school and she was more than ready for the first day. She had her new dress laid out and ready to wear, her backpack filled with this year's supplies, her lunchbox packed with the usuals and she was ready. We took these pictures that morning (August 25th, 2010 to be exact) and she was off and on her way!

Now while the first day of school doesn't seem to bother me too much, it's the last day of school that really gets me. I remember last year...on the last day of kindergarten...I cried dropping her off. For a little while I thought, who does THIS? I'm an emotional wreck on the LAST day of school...it's like my emotions are backwards. But I was comforted when I called one of my dear friends, and she too was teary.

There is something about the LAST day...of school...or maybe, of anything. There is something about turning a page, closing a chapter, finishing a project, completing a task. There is something hard about saying, "I'm done," "It's finished," "We're all set." Not only that, but there is something hard about "time markers." You see, on the LAST day of school, I could easily remember the FIRST day of school and the time in between passed all too quickly in my book. So as she walked away from the car that morning I thought, "There it goes...just like that...one school year is over."

I was mopie all day and it didn't help that when I went to the End of the Year Party at the end of the day, the teachers played a slide show of photographs from the school year set to one of the sweetest songs ever written...My Wish...by the Rascal Flats. I sat down in Sydney's chair...lifted her onto my lap and the tears just wouldn't stop. Sydney still picks up the ipod from time to time and plays this song, (Yes, through no instruction, she somehow knows how to do this.) and every time it sort of hits me right in the heart. Just listen...